I hate uneccessary drama. I would really, really love to live a life that’s drama free. I don’t, and instead I’m trying to handle each dramatic situation in a way thats careful, and hopefully will reduce the drama for all involved.
The night on which I write this is a Saturday. I had plans tonight, to go out with my best friends, new friends and everyones associated crew. We’d planned some naughty things to do and I was way looking forward to it.
Instead, I’m at home. Writing a blog post. Feeling like a misunderstood loser.
The reason I’m here, and not there is a simple one. I wanted to avoid the drama, and so removed myself from the situation.
Let me explain. There is this boy. We’ve been friends for ages. Years, even. And for a while there we were quite good friends. He is a nice boy, see. A lovely, clever person.
And then he developed a crush, and things got awkward, and uncomfortable everytime I saw him. He’d try to touch me (just in a friendly way, a hug, or patting my arm or leg or whatever), and I’d shrug him off. In social gatherings he’d follow me round, I’d be talking to someone, he’d appear, and then I’d disappear. Rinse and Repeat. He was trying to be close with me in a way I was not comfortable with. I felt like I was being suffocated. It was awkward, and horrible. And I hated it.
We’ve had a few conversations where I’ve tried to explain how I felt. How I’m not comfortable around him, and I’m not interested. How I’d rather he didn’t keep trying to touch me, how I value him as a friend, but only a friend. Each time he got angry, confused and didn’t understand what I was trying to say. Worse, after he’d continue to act the same way as he always had.
Since then I’ve accepted that this is a bad friendship with no resolution. And I’ve done my best to avoid him. We have a few mutual friends, so in situations where that’s not possible, I generally put on a smile, and try to minimise the interaction, try and get through. He is a lovely person, but it’s difficult to want to hang out with someone when they make you feel stupidly uncomfortable and awkward.
So, there was this planned party, that was planned out a week, week and a half before tonight. This morning he txt’d around to find out what everyone was doing tonight.
Here lies the drama. My friends, my besties, know that I’m not comfortable around him. They know the situation, they know that I’ve tried to resolve it with talking to with little results, they know that all in all it’s just a horrible horrible situation. And they invited him to tonights festivities.
My problem is that I don’t know how to handle this situation gracefully. Knowing that if we were out doing naughty things, knowing that it would make me uncomfortable and the whole night would be awkward and horrible if he were present, I point blank said that if he came, I wouldn’t. It would not have been a good night for me, nor anyone else that I dragged into my drama trying to avoid him.
So I’m at home. And I feel horrible. I half feel like that if I were on the otherside I might have acted differently. If I had plans, I don’t think I would invite my friends ex’s along, or friends who they’ve fallen out with. None of those people who make my friends feel awkward or uncomfortable. I also feel like he’s friends with them too, and asking them to not invite him is a horrible situation to put anyone in. I actually feel like a horrible friend.
It’s either I miss out on the fun to save myself a horrible night, or I ask my friends to side with their bestie, rather than a guy they are kind of friends with.
So, I’m missing out. And it’s shit.
I have plans to go mountain biking tomorrow, to make up somewhat for missing out on tonight. But still, I’m ridiculously sad I’m not out with my crew tonight.
My question is this, blogosphere: How could I have handled this better? Did I do the right thing by not going?
January 20th, 2010 at 3:45 pm
i think you were definitely the biggest person in the entire situation, walking away and disassociating yourself from a situation you feel you should be a part of is no easy task, especially with all that you have going on with the group involved. hopefully your friends understand where you’re coming from and won’t just look at you like a downer because you stood up for yourself. your self-respect is more important than any awkward situation you might put yourself into knowingly. i commend you.
@Lys – oh <3. The worst thing is, even if I did the 'right' thing, I still felt pretty crap about it. Sigh! Thanks for the support, glad you think I did the right thing. :) - elly x
January 20th, 2010 at 3:45 pm
oh, also i hope you have more fun biking tomorrow!
@Lys – I totally did! It was brilliant, apart from that I was way too unfit, and that I fell off my bike a couple times. It was definitely pretty exciting! – elly x
January 20th, 2010 at 11:45 pm
I don’t know what I would have done in your situation, to be honest. I do think you did the right thing though. Taking yourself out of the situation, rather than be in it and be miserable, was the right way to go I think. Maybe you could discuss this with your besties when the time is right and get some of their opinions?
@Sleepyjane – Thanks for your thoughts. I did ask my besties, and it seems that we had different ideas about what was going on. There was one suggestion that I should should try again with some support from my friends, but in my head it kind sounded more like ganging up on the guy. And I honestly think that its reached the point where I’m just point blank not comfortable anymore. Alas! Thanks for the support, though. :) – elly x
January 21st, 2010 at 3:06 am
You handled it just fine lady and I echo what your friend said – looking after yourself at this point is most important in being able to potentially deal with future situations like this – if you’d gone, things may have been awkward and horrible and you might’ve ended up feeling worse. There’s nothing wrong with removing yourself from a situation that has the potential to make you feel bad, and I commend you for looking after yourself :)
@Emily Jane – Thanks chika. Sometimes, even though logically its the ‘right’ thing to do, it doesn’t always feel right. Alas. Thanks for the vote of confidence. – elly x
January 21st, 2010 at 8:37 am
Troubleshooting websites can be interesting. ;-)
I think you did the exact right thing. If the situation is going to be uncomfortable for you you’re not going to enjoy yourself. I’m more sorry that your ‘besties’ didn’t understand the situation well enough to exclude this guy from it.
You might ask for a straight answer from them though, it may be one of those ‘he got wind of it and invited himself’ (it happens) and their only blame would be in not pushing back hard enough.
Don’t feel bad about it, “the best laid plans of mice and men” and all that. Just take comfort in the fact that you did what was good for you over and above everything else. That’s a good thing.
@Jesse – oh <3. Sometimes I forget that self-preservation isn't always a selfish thing. :) - elly x
January 23rd, 2010 at 2:59 pm
self/-preservation sucks, but is better than making the whole night uncomfortable for yourself by going. And in turn, possibly making it uncomfortable for your friends, which wouldn’t have been your fault, but would have probably been the end result. This is a tough one.
@Jasie – oh <3. Yeah, this situation did suck a bit :( The more I think about it, the more that I think that anything else would have resulted in way more drama. It's just hard not to feel like I'm missing out. :( Still, it was for the best, I think. Sigh. Hopefully this situation won't come about too often! Thanks for your comment, hey. :) - elly x
February 11th, 2010 at 11:22 am
Hey there – just going through my feed reader, finally!
I think you did the right thing. I’m part of a community that has a lot of parties, and over time my man & I have pretty much quit going to them, because some guys have made me uncomfortable with flirting [and don't seem to care that I have a committed partner]. SO annoying, but avoiding drama is definitely preferable.