So, some people would call this airing their dirty laundry. I’m going to do it anyway, because I’m absolutely gutted, absolutely hurt, absolutely furious that a person I was so in love with, a relationship I was so ready to grow with was cut because there wasn’t a clear understanding between us. Here are a few things I’ve learnt.

Beware, I’m bitter, and entering that angry stage of grief. This isn’t one of those pretty happy look-at-this-photo-of-my-dog posts.

One:

How you feel about something? That emotional attachment that you feel to a person/relationship/place/whatever? It’s NOT RATIONAL. Which means you CAN’T change it just by thinking about it by yourself. You can’t change it just by being logical. How you feel about something is changed by events, people, and interaction. Feelings are not changed by thought alone. You can’t hide away and expect how you feel about something to change.

Two:

Relationships? Are about TWO people. They are TWO sided. In the same way you can’t change how you feel by solitary thinking, you can’t change a relationship for the better by being an island. If you want to change how you feel about a relationship you are in, if you want to better it, have it grow strong and happy, you don’t do it by leaving. You don’t do it by going off and thinking alone in your corner. You do it by being involved, by communicating clearly, with understanding and love. You can not do it from a million miles away by yourself.

Three:

Keeping a relationship alive and well requires WORK and PARTICIPATION. From both sides. If you are surprised that a relationship you are in isn’t going so well, and you’d like to change that? Try making the effort. Try communicating your fears. Try being BRAVE, and being HONEST. Do not, at all, ever, pretend that a problem is resolved that is not. Do not hide those big scary ‘problems’ under the rug because they seem to big and scary. Talk about them, and sort them. Be brave, and get them out in the open.

Four:

If you can’t commit, if you can’t say yes straight away THEN SAY NO FROM THE START! Do not say Maybe, Do not say I don’t know. DO NOT SCREW AROUND THE PEOPLE THAT LOVE YOU FOR FIVE MONTHS! If you can’t see how valuable someone is, how amazing it is that they love you with all your stupid big gigantic faults, then at least have some dignity, and don’t screw them over. Don’t make them wait on you, because YOU’RE not brave enough to walk away. Because YOU’RE a selfish prick who wants their cake and to eat it too.

Okay, that last one is me being bitter. Horribly Bitter.

No more hope. No more waiting or wishing or wanting.

Hopefully, in October/November I’ll be London bound. Hopefully, the year of Elly will be a good one. No more putting up with other peoples shit, none of their insecurities, none of their drama. I’m finally, honestly, thank god moving on.

Bring on the good times, the good friends, the good boys and places and people and things I’m going to do! Woo!

Tags: Boys