We slept, covered in sweat and heat, pressed together in a single bed. Limbs intertwined and bunched, holding close and pushing away. In the muggy, hot dark I wondered if I should sneak out. Drive away, perhaps to safety, perhaps just to calm the fears that dance. Fears that I know are just shadows, with no firm anchor outside my head. Still, they danced just the same and I watched them flicker, and jump.

I made a decision, and I shifted my weight. Ready to leave, to flee, to go. I don’t want anything heavy. I can’t play the games, and dance with the drama. I’m only just building up a defense. Pulling on armour. Figuring out how best to build walls. I can’t, won’t, don’t want this . . .

As if knowing, seeing, understanding, he pulled me close. Lips murmuring sleep in my ear. Breathing in his warmth, I gave in. I buried my nose in his neck, and let him wrap himself around me. Calm. Relax tense muscles. Breathe. The dancing shadows cease, and I remembered that this is just here and now. There are no games, or drama. He’s not chasing, tricking, lying. He’s not asking for anything more than now, and I’m not offering anything more, either. Besides, anything worth breaking is hidden. Vaulted, and safe. Out of harms way. The rest is already broken rubble.

I felt a bit stupid. Not every boy is out to deceive. Out to hurt. Not every boy is going to be like the last. Not every boy is looking to break and betray, looking for a fake forever. Not every boy will require deciphering. I’m still learning. Still growing. Still leaving the old me behind.

I close my eyes and will sleep come.

Tomorrow’s another day. The walls will be higher, tomorrow. And I’ll be safe behind them. In the mean time, this single bed is easily big enough for two.

Tags: Boys