We slept, covered in sweat and heat, pressed together in a single bed. Limbs intertwined and bunched, holding close and pushing away. In the muggy, hot dark I wondered if I should sneak out. Drive away, perhaps to safety, perhaps just to calm the fears that dance. Fears that I know are just shadows, with no firm anchor outside my head. Still, they danced just the same and I watched them flicker, and jump.

I made a decision, and I shifted my weight. Ready to leave, to flee, to go. I don’t want anything heavy. I can’t play the games, and dance with the drama. I’m only just building up a defense. Pulling on armour. Figuring out how best to build walls. I can’t, won’t, don’t want this . . .

As if knowing, seeing, understanding, he pulled me close. Lips murmuring sleep in my ear. Breathing in his warmth, I gave in. I buried my nose in his neck, and let him wrap himself around me. Calm. Relax tense muscles. Breathe. The dancing shadows cease, and I remembered that this is just here and now. There are no games, or drama. He’s not chasing, tricking, lying. He’s not asking for anything more than now, and I’m not offering anything more, either. Besides, anything worth breaking is hidden. Vaulted, and safe. Out of harms way. The rest is already broken rubble.

I felt a bit stupid. Not every boy is out to deceive. Out to hurt. Not every boy is going to be like the last. Not every boy is looking to break and betray, looking for a fake forever. Not every boy will require deciphering. I’m still learning. Still growing. Still leaving the old me behind.

I close my eyes and will sleep come.

Tomorrow’s another day. The walls will be higher, tomorrow. And I’ll be safe behind them. In the mean time, this single bed is easily big enough for two.

“If you were all alone in the universe with no one to talk to, no one with which to share the beauty of the stars, to laugh with, to touch, what would be your purpose in life? It is other life, it is love, which gives your life meaning. This is harmony.” – Mitsugi Saotome

I tweeted the other day, about how ridiculous it was that coding some everyday functionality made me happy. Because it worked. Because I did it, and it was clever.

This is the kind of thing I would have squeed about with The Ex. I would have messaged him and squeed, because he was my person. My person who I would tell dumb stuff to, who would message me everyday with weird things to look at on the internet, and who I would share my excitement over equally dumb things with. The person I’d txt when I was bored, or upset, or happy, or just because I could.

And now, when I’m excited about something stupid, or proud of something super minor that I did . . . I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t have a person to message. Or txt. None of my friends are going to care that I made a drop down list work interact cleverly with my control group list. The Ex wouldn’t have cared either, except that it was me and he was my person.

And now with no person, I’m at a bit of loss. So I tweeted my excitement. And oh, internet. You are not my person. You didn’t care, with nary an @ reply. I txt’d a friend and he didn’t get it. I messaged another, and while he did get it, he’s a better programmer than me (which isn’t hard, tbh) and didn’t see why I was excited about something so trivial.

So now I’m keeping my excited little squee moments to myself. And I’m learning how to rely on just me, and how to do things alone and happy. I’m learning that if it’s just me, I can eat all the spinach and feta dip and not feel bad that I didn’t share. That it doesn’t matter if I sleep in till 10 past 8, because I don’t have to drop anyone off. There’s no one to mock my girly tv shows, and because I’m only doing my washing now, I can do two loads a month and still have enough underwear and clothes to be good. It means longer hot showers because no one else is waiting to use the hot water, it means spontaneous adventures without having to check in with anyone and it means I get to eat the last oreo if I want it.

It means a million billion good things. Deliciously selfish just-for-me things.

But I miss not having a person. Even if its just for that tiny moment of understanding where I am excited, and there is someone who can see that and be glad.

For those of you without Persons, what do you do?